What do you do?


What do you do?

What do you do when you’re on the other side of things? What do you do when it all becomes too much to bear? What do you do, for when the first time, it’s not yourself that is the “problem” and there’s literally nothing you could possibly do to take back the control? I’m asking myself these questions this morning as I sip a cup of coffee. I’ve been on disability now for months. My life had become unmanageable, so I took some time for myself. But everything’s not that easy. It would be nice if that whole time was solely used to “focus on myself,” when in reality I’ve been focusing on a million and one other things. This morning’s focus was getting my fiancé to work after almost two weeks off. Fail. We are both now sitting in the living room of our one bedroom apartment and his work is probably wondering where he is now that it’s past 7am and he was supposed to be back to work today. Sometimes things are hard. I’ve see anxiety control most of my life and now I’m watching it control my fiancé’s life. I used to always say “I suffer from depression and anxiety,” the anxiety always seemed to be the lesser of the two. But now, I’m starting to realize depression is a result of anxiety taking control of someone’s life and their inability to grasp what is “normal” again. Then the depression really sets in. What do you do when you seem to be powerless to a faceless monster? A monster that tells you you’re not good enough and can’t “function” like a “normal” human being. What do you do when you’re life is no longer run how you think it should be run, but you’re so tired from battling in the first place, that now it really is hopeless. Most importantly, what do you do when it’s not even you anymore. But a friend or loved one is now facing the same monster. This morning I thought I knew how to battle it. Stay strong, stay focused, breathe, “YOU CAN DO IT.” But I watched the monster take down my fiancé this morning, making him unable to go to work. It hurts when you can relate to someone else’s hurt. It sucks. In the end, what good does relating with it do if I wasn’t able to help him fight back? Eventually I just had to take him in my arms and reassure him everything is going to be okay. But isn’t that all we can do? Once the anxiety has taken over, all we can really tell ourselves is “it will be okay….if not now, eventually.” And it will. I am a firm believer that everything is in God’s hands. Now that I have given my life fully to Christ, I have that reassurance. I’m not depending on anything anymore, no substance could be strong enough to mask the damage that depression and anxiety can have on someone’s life. In my short 14 day streak of true sobriety, I have come to learn this. It’s amazing how fast God can use you and your mind if you allow him to. What do I do now? Now I try to be the best version of myself. Not only for me, but for my fiancé. I know what it’s like. Now I try to use the tools and coping skills I have learned and continue to learn each day, to help those close to me that I love. What do you do? You keep FIGHTING. Life is can be an uphill battle sometimes and you don’t have the choice of giving up. So you fight. And you give it your all. If you suffer from a mental illness, and it all seems completely hopeless-If anything, know that one day what you have learned by battling your own monsters, you can use to help a loved one battle their monster. Everything happens for a reason. Keep fighting, be be warrior I know you can be 🖤


The Hardest Thing I’ve Done

The hardest thing I’ve done


The hardest thing I’ve done in my 24 years on this planet is get clean and sober. I am currently on day one of a medication my doctor prescribed to help the withdrawal symptoms, but let me give you some background on this:

Around 14, I started experiencing debilitating anxiety and depression. I started seeing a psychiatrist and therapist. I was put on several different anti depressants, mood stabilizers, and benzodiazepines. It was around 15/16 when weed came into the picture. I was told it would be better for me than the pills, I was told this by adults in my life that I trusted. So I started smoking. Now I’m not writing this to say that marijuana is horrible, I believe it does have many beneficial factors to it for many people battling a wide range of health issues. All I want to say that it IS a drug. I believed it wasn’t a drug, that it was non addictive, and that it was helping me. In reality, it was just masking my problems. Getting high isn’t the answer to my problems. I hate to get so corny and quote my all time favorite artist, Macklemore, but in his song “Otherside” he says “and ‘weeds not a drug’ that’s denial Groundhog Day life repeats each time”
It’s true, “syrup, Percocet, and an eight a day will leave you broke, depressed, and emotionally vacant.”
Being sober is HARD. Once you know what it’s like to be high, it will never leave you. Now that I’ve done what I’ve done, I’ve made my life that much more difficult for myself. I was put on Hydrocodone by my doctor at about 21 for my back and endometriosis. I’m now 24 and have to back track and figure out how to cope without a coping mechanism I used to have. On top of all of this I do have chronic depression and anxiety. I also have a herniated disk in my lower back and endometriosis. Those things are also HARD to deal with. I’m still learning everyday healthy ways to cope.

Recently my step father put on his Facebook something along the lines of “it’s hard being the parent of a drug addict, it’s soul crushing.”

I not only wanted to write this blog to make my history clear, I want to help anyone else dealing with the same things I am dealing with. I don’t believe I’m a drug addict. Yes, I have a history of use, but I’m choosing the other path, the sober path. There have been many days recently where I have written my loved ones that I just want to die. Sometimes when it gets really bad, that’s my truth, I want to give up. But I know that’s not an option. I have to keep fighting for myself, for my loved ones, for God. I was put on this planet for a reason, I do believe that.

If you are dealing with anything I mentioned: depression, anxiety, addiction, etc. I’m you’re girl to talk to. I may not have all the answers but I’m a good listener and most likely can understand what you’re going through.

Bad Pain Days


(This blog post is specifically about my health issues. Could be found boring to some, but it is very crucial for me to continue to be transparent in my journey to health. By doing so, I am connecting with more and more people who have some of the same battles that I do, and I feel less alone. I am a warrior. I hope I help someone else feel less alone also.) 💕

Today is a bad pain day. As someone who suffers from chronic depression, anxiety, and insomnia, any physical pain on top of emotional pain is hard to cope with. Unfortunately, I have two major health issues that cause me severe physical pain. I am only 24 years old. I can’t tell you how many times a Doctor has said to me “you’re way to young to have these issues.” This is my reality though. Two days ago, I had an MRI done (one of many that I’ve had done) and it showed no change in a bulging disk I have in my lower back since I was 16 years old. On top of this, I have also been diagnosed with Endometriosis. I’ve had two surgeries now for the Endometriosis. My cycles are unbearable. Also, the back pain intensifies when I am on my cycle (as if it wasn’t bad enough already).

For Christmas, a friend gifted me a small book titled “Words From A Wanderer- 62 Days of Self Affirming Notes,” by Alexandra Elle, and I have been reading it religiously. I truly treasure this gift, I have been quite the “wanderer” the past couple months. I usually tend to not follow the rules with books like these, I get antsy and want to read it all in one sitting. But with this book, I have been strict with myself and I am really benefiting from this. I am currently on day number 10, and each day I am excited to read each note, and by doing so, each one really sinks in and I can reflect on one at a time. Today’s #anote2self stated “Learn to move in silence. There will be many instances where saying nothing will speak the loudest.” This really struck me because I have a hard time just being still. I feel as if I always have to be doing or saying something (hence a blog post being written as I am stuck in bed with a migraine and a heating pad on my stomach and lower back). Lol!

So what am I doing to cope now that I am attempting to EX pain pills from my life? First of all, I confine in a loved one. I let them know I’m having a “bad pain day” so that I can have a supporter during the pain. By doing this one simple thing, I feel less alone and I stay more in the light rather than sinking farther into pain and negative thoughts- the darkness. There’s no reason to sit and mope about what I am going through, because that honestly can intensify the pain. I am learning more and more everyday that directing my thoughts in the positive direction, and on GOD, can help me mentally get through it. I use multiple different antics to battle the pain. I use heat and or cold on both my stomach and back. I have my boyfriend massage the area with topical lidocaine gel. I take a 800mg ibuprofen (which I know is still considered a pain pill but at least it’s non-narcotic). I try my best to meditate or keep my mind busy on a book or movie. Since I am currently on disability from work, I stay in bed. And I don’t beat myself up about it! It’s okay to not be okay. Narcotics are my very last option now. I am very proud of how far I have come in a short amount of time.
I am scheduled for injections into my lower back. Surgery is the last option, but could be a part of my near future depending on how well the injections help me.

All of this has been overwhelming, but I am attempting to take on one battle at a time. There is no other way to battle these things than to simply take one day at a time. I dream of a future that includes 0 prescription pills. Although, mine have saved my life. I have seen prescription pills turn the best people into someone they don’t want to be. I do know one thing for certain- you can’t go into battle alone. Confine in a loved one, be transparent with your journey to health, and never go into battle alone.


Goodbye 2017 (good riddance)



I write my blog posts literally as the thoughts enter my mind. I type them up in my “notes” in my phone and I do it immediately so that I can capture authentic thoughts. I was going to save this topic for closer to the new year, given it’s about 2017 ending, but these thoughts and feelings demanded to be addressed now, so here we go.


2017 brought so many hardships for a lot of my loved ones. A year of tears, and sickness, and confusion. A year of darkness and lightness all at once. Unfortunately, the darkness seemed to outweigh the light but that doesn’t mean the light wasn’t there at times. As human beings we have no choice but to roll with the punches of this crazy life. I thought I knew so much about life before this year, but I was so very wrong. I was so naive. I was so sheltered. I’ve seen death and sickness this year. I lost my great grandmother . I’ve seen my loved ones at the lowest points of their lives thus far. Heartbreak and loneliness found it’s way to my best friends, and that was hard to experience. I am an Empath, so when my loved ones hurt, I hurt. They cry, I cry. I have experienced first hand what addiction truly is and how it’s affected not only me but the majority of my family and quite frankly, the world. I’ve witnessed cancer on a whole other level than I ever had before. My best friend was diagnosed with leukemia and this was the first person in MY personal world that has had a battle as big and as scary as cancer.
On top of that, I battled with myself for months while at my old apartment about my suicide. I fought for my existence alone day in and day out and truly thought 2017 would be my last year on this earth. I had planned my death, and lost my home. My mental pain was far worse than the physical pain I experience everyday. To say the very least, I feel as though I aged 10 years in one year alone. I know things don’t always go as we would like but damn, this year was a rough one.

One thing that is starting to set in for me though, is that I made it. I will see 2018 and it will be completely different then 2017. I say that because I HAVE to truly believe the best is yet to come. I know a new year will bring about new circumstances, all of which won’t be good. But that’s okay. I have a newfound respect for living that one can only find by being close to death, by being in the dark.
As 2017 comes to a close, I’m seeing more and more of the light. There are so many reasons to keep up the fight. I know so many souls are currently in the dark. I added a sword to my “warrior” tattoo cause damn it, I FOUGHT for my life this year. I wish there was some magical way to help everyone that is currently stuck. I can’t do that, but I can continue to be open and honest and hopefully that helps even one person reading this.

For 2018, I will continue on this new path I have found. A completely new way of living. I will treat myself more kindly. I deserve joy and so do you. Value yourself, this new year needs you in it 💕



Dark days won’t last forever.


Sometimes I feel as though I am at a complete standstill. Things need to be done, but I find myself so emotionally exhausted day after day from chronic depression and anxiety. It’s a battle I fight every.single.day- every second I’m breathing. Battles will make you feel drained and exhausted. Imagine having to battle with your own mind on a daily basis. It’s not fun, to say the least. In fact, it’s debilitating. But I continue to fight.

The thing I’ve noticed about mental illness, is that people tend to “forget” really that the person suffering is going through anything. “Okay, so you had a bad week last week but you seem fine this week!” On the outside, I’ve been seeming pretty good. I get up everyday, shower, get dressed, put on makeup, walk my dog, read my bible and journal, take care of chores, ect. I’ve been making it to all of my appointments(on time imagine that lol) and eating right. These are HUGE accomplishments for me. On the inside, all I want to do is lay in bed and cry. But why? Things in my life are not all that bad, but I’m STRUGGLING.

I just want to hug anyone else who feels the same way. Say to them “you’re not alone, we are in this together.” And I want to say “things will get better,” which they will, but on my bad days I’d like to kick someone who says that to me. If things “get better” why am I still struggling day in and day out? Things do get better, however, that doesn’t mean the battle is over.

Keep fighting. Dark days do not last forever, the sun will shine again. It’s just that I can’t promise when. I wish I could.

xoxox Victoria