Bad Pain Days

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(This blog post is specifically about my health issues. Could be found boring to some, but it is very crucial for me to continue to be transparent in my journey to health. By doing so, I am connecting with more and more people who have some of the same battles that I do, and I feel less alone. I am a warrior. I hope I help someone else feel less alone also.) 💕

Today is a bad pain day. As someone who suffers from chronic depression, anxiety, and insomnia, any physical pain on top of emotional pain is hard to cope with. Unfortunately, I have two major health issues that cause me severe physical pain. I am only 24 years old. I can’t tell you how many times a Doctor has said to me “you’re way to young to have these issues.” This is my reality though. Two days ago, I had an MRI done (one of many that I’ve had done) and it showed no change in a bulging disk I have in my lower back since I was 16 years old. On top of this, I have also been diagnosed with Endometriosis. I’ve had two surgeries now for the Endometriosis. My cycles are unbearable. Also, the back pain intensifies when I am on my cycle (as if it wasn’t bad enough already).

For Christmas, a friend gifted me a small book titled “Words From A Wanderer- 62 Days of Self Affirming Notes,” by Alexandra Elle, and I have been reading it religiously. I truly treasure this gift, I have been quite the “wanderer” the past couple months. I usually tend to not follow the rules with books like these, I get antsy and want to read it all in one sitting. But with this book, I have been strict with myself and I am really benefiting from this. I am currently on day number 10, and each day I am excited to read each note, and by doing so, each one really sinks in and I can reflect on one at a time. Today’s #anote2self stated “Learn to move in silence. There will be many instances where saying nothing will speak the loudest.” This really struck me because I have a hard time just being still. I feel as if I always have to be doing or saying something (hence a blog post being written as I am stuck in bed with a migraine and a heating pad on my stomach and lower back). Lol!

So what am I doing to cope now that I am attempting to EX pain pills from my life? First of all, I confine in a loved one. I let them know I’m having a “bad pain day” so that I can have a supporter during the pain. By doing this one simple thing, I feel less alone and I stay more in the light rather than sinking farther into pain and negative thoughts- the darkness. There’s no reason to sit and mope about what I am going through, because that honestly can intensify the pain. I am learning more and more everyday that directing my thoughts in the positive direction, and on GOD, can help me mentally get through it. I use multiple different antics to battle the pain. I use heat and or cold on both my stomach and back. I have my boyfriend massage the area with topical lidocaine gel. I take a 800mg ibuprofen (which I know is still considered a pain pill but at least it’s non-narcotic). I try my best to meditate or keep my mind busy on a book or movie. Since I am currently on disability from work, I stay in bed. And I don’t beat myself up about it! It’s okay to not be okay. Narcotics are my very last option now. I am very proud of how far I have come in a short amount of time.
I am scheduled for injections into my lower back. Surgery is the last option, but could be a part of my near future depending on how well the injections help me.

All of this has been overwhelming, but I am attempting to take on one battle at a time. There is no other way to battle these things than to simply take one day at a time. I dream of a future that includes 0 prescription pills. Although, mine have saved my life. I have seen prescription pills turn the best people into someone they don’t want to be. I do know one thing for certain- you can’t go into battle alone. Confine in a loved one, be transparent with your journey to health, and never go into battle alone.

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Goodbye 2017 (good riddance)

 

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I write my blog posts literally as the thoughts enter my mind. I type them up in my “notes” in my phone and I do it immediately so that I can capture authentic thoughts. I was going to save this topic for closer to the new year, given it’s about 2017 ending, but these thoughts and feelings demanded to be addressed now, so here we go.

 

2017 brought so many hardships for a lot of my loved ones. A year of tears, and sickness, and confusion. A year of darkness and lightness all at once. Unfortunately, the darkness seemed to outweigh the light but that doesn’t mean the light wasn’t there at times. As human beings we have no choice but to roll with the punches of this crazy life. I thought I knew so much about life before this year, but I was so very wrong. I was so naive. I was so sheltered. I’ve seen death and sickness this year. I lost my great grandmother . I’ve seen my loved ones at the lowest points of their lives thus far. Heartbreak and loneliness found it’s way to my best friends, and that was hard to experience. I am an Empath, so when my loved ones hurt, I hurt. They cry, I cry. I have experienced first hand what addiction truly is and how it’s affected not only me but the majority of my family and quite frankly, the world. I’ve witnessed cancer on a whole other level than I ever had before. My best friend was diagnosed with leukemia and this was the first person in MY personal world that has had a battle as big and as scary as cancer.
On top of that, I battled with myself for months while at my old apartment about my suicide. I fought for my existence alone day in and day out and truly thought 2017 would be my last year on this earth. I had planned my death, and lost my home. My mental pain was far worse than the physical pain I experience everyday. To say the very least, I feel as though I aged 10 years in one year alone. I know things don’t always go as we would like but damn, this year was a rough one.

One thing that is starting to set in for me though, is that I made it. I will see 2018 and it will be completely different then 2017. I say that because I HAVE to truly believe the best is yet to come. I know a new year will bring about new circumstances, all of which won’t be good. But that’s okay. I have a newfound respect for living that one can only find by being close to death, by being in the dark.
As 2017 comes to a close, I’m seeing more and more of the light. There are so many reasons to keep up the fight. I know so many souls are currently in the dark. I added a sword to my “warrior” tattoo cause damn it, I FOUGHT for my life this year. I wish there was some magical way to help everyone that is currently stuck. I can’t do that, but I can continue to be open and honest and hopefully that helps even one person reading this.

For 2018, I will continue on this new path I have found. A completely new way of living. I will treat myself more kindly. I deserve joy and so do you. Value yourself, this new year needs you in it 💕

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Dark days won’t last forever.

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Sometimes I feel as though I am at a complete standstill. Things need to be done, but I find myself so emotionally exhausted day after day from chronic depression and anxiety. It’s a battle I fight every.single.day- every second I’m breathing. Battles will make you feel drained and exhausted. Imagine having to battle with your own mind on a daily basis. It’s not fun, to say the least. In fact, it’s debilitating. But I continue to fight.

The thing I’ve noticed about mental illness, is that people tend to “forget” really that the person suffering is going through anything. “Okay, so you had a bad week last week but you seem fine this week!” On the outside, I’ve been seeming pretty good. I get up everyday, shower, get dressed, put on makeup, walk my dog, read my bible and journal, take care of chores, ect. I’ve been making it to all of my appointments(on time imagine that lol) and eating right. These are HUGE accomplishments for me. On the inside, all I want to do is lay in bed and cry. But why? Things in my life are not all that bad, but I’m STRUGGLING.

I just want to hug anyone else who feels the same way. Say to them “you’re not alone, we are in this together.” And I want to say “things will get better,” which they will, but on my bad days I’d like to kick someone who says that to me. If things “get better” why am I still struggling day in and day out? Things do get better, however, that doesn’t mean the battle is over.

Keep fighting. Dark days do not last forever, the sun will shine again. It’s just that I can’t promise when. I wish I could.

xoxox Victoria