Why are people scared of me.

SUICIDE

One of the biggest reasons I hid myself away from everyone for so long is because people run. And that’s a weird word to use but anytime I’ve opened up and let someone know what was going on (outside of my immediate friends and fam) they run for the hills. Everything then changes about my relationship with whoever I chose to open up to about.
Suicide is a hard topic to talk about. I GET IT. It’s actually really difficult for me to even type about it but, it does have to be discussed because of the number of people who are struggling with the thought of ending their life and the ones around them who are dealing with that also, or have experienced losing a loved one to suicide, is a large number. I am a person who has suicidal fantasies and I still have a hard time talking about it. And part of the reason I chose the title of this blog is because that’s how I receive a lot of people’s gut reaction to me if I open up about my mental illness history (in my past). I feel as though they are constantly thinking “Will today be the day she finally does it?” as if they are scared to know what or when I will finally attempt. But it doesn’t work like that, at least not in my head.
I recently shared a video on Facebook, and I titled it “educate yourself” it was about a guy who survived jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge.. He describes the day he jumped, he walked up the bridge and people passed him, people were just doing their own thing. One lady stopped him and asked him to take a picture for her, he said yes, she thanked him and walked away. He recalls, “this is the moment I knew no one cared”. And he catapulted himself off the side of the railing.
This seems so silly, she was a stranger, how could she have known? But that is what somebody battling with mental illnesses will think. I would have been thinking the same thing if I was in his shoes. “She HAD to have known, it is so apparent I want to end my life today. Why did she just walk away from me like I’m nothing? No one cares anymore.” Thats what I would have been thinking too. This guy is not crazy. Despite thinking he was. To see this man open up and talk about his struggles sent goosebumps down my arms. Sometimes you’ve gotta hear someone’s story, see the tears in their eyes, to be able to put yourself in their shoes. Not that I wish anyone on this PLANET knows what it’s like to want to commit suicide, but when people understand you its a lot easier to cope and make it through.
He describes the moment his hands left the railing, he felt INSTANT overpowering regret throughout his whole body. He also recalls that anyone he has spoken to that also has survived a suicide attempt, has felt the same guilt and regret. And that is why I have never attempted, the fear of guilt and regret overwhelms me. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t fantasized about it. I titled it, “educate yourself,” because people HAVE to know what to do if a loved one is suicidal. Immediate action needs to be taken if someone is having suicidal thoughts or fantasies. Overall, people just need to be familiar with the signs of someone who is struggling. It will save the person’s life.

I have spent the majority of my life hiding my problems, stuffing them down and trying to make like they didn’t exist. Very little people knew my truth. And boy, would all my problems rear their ugly heads at what always seemed to be all at once. There were times when I would be completely broken, and the person I chose to open up to didn’t want to discuss my problems. I’ve had several panic attacks throughout my life where I scared people and they couldn’t and wouldn’t help me. Why did people shy away from me when I wanted to talk about it? It’s scary. Point blank, period. It’s a hard topic, I know, but if your coworker approached you, to let you know their suicidal fantasies, would you help them? Or shy away? Make the choice to be the kind of person to ask how someone is doing if they look like they had just been crying. Be the person to save someone’s life. You never know what they are going through on the inside.
Just because you feel a certain way does not make you crazy, a lunatic, or stupid. These feelings are 1,000% legitimate and you should seek help.
Even if someone in your past has made you feel less than or unimportant, don’t let that stop you from getting help.
It’s something that needs to be discussed. Involve your family or loved ones. Go to battle, don’t run and hide. If I can talk about it, so can you. Tell somebody what you’re dealing with, you are important. Your life matters. Your problems matter. You matter. ❤

xoxox Victoria

my story

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