Goodbye 2017 (good riddance)

 

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I write my blog posts literally as the thoughts enter my mind. I type them up in my “notes” in my phone and I do it immediately so that I can capture authentic thoughts. I was going to save this topic for closer to the new year, given it’s about 2017 ending, but these thoughts and feelings demanded to be addressed now, so here we go.

 

2017 brought so many hardships for a lot of my loved ones. A year of tears, and sickness, and confusion. A year of darkness and lightness all at once. Unfortunately, the darkness seemed to outweigh the light but that doesn’t mean the light wasn’t there at times. As human beings we have no choice but to roll with the punches of this crazy life. I thought I knew so much about life before this year, but I was so very wrong. I was so naive. I was so sheltered. I’ve seen death and sickness this year. I lost my great grandmother . I’ve seen my loved ones at the lowest points of their lives thus far. Heartbreak and loneliness found it’s way to my best friends, and that was hard to experience. I am an Empath, so when my loved ones hurt, I hurt. They cry, I cry. I have experienced first hand what addiction truly is and how it’s affected not only me but the majority of my family and quite frankly, the world. I’ve witnessed cancer on a whole other level than I ever had before. My best friend was diagnosed with leukemia and this was the first person in MY personal world that has had a battle as big and as scary as cancer.
On top of that, I battled with myself for months while at my old apartment about my suicide. I fought for my existence alone day in and day out and truly thought 2017 would be my last year on this earth. I had planned my death, and lost my home. My mental pain was far worse than the physical pain I experience everyday. To say the very least, I feel as though I aged 10 years in one year alone. I know things don’t always go as we would like but damn, this year was a rough one.

One thing that is starting to set in for me though, is that I made it. I will see 2018 and it will be completely different then 2017. I say that because I HAVE to truly believe the best is yet to come. I know a new year will bring about new circumstances, all of which won’t be good. But that’s okay. I have a newfound respect for living that one can only find by being close to death, by being in the dark.
As 2017 comes to a close, I’m seeing more and more of the light. There are so many reasons to keep up the fight. I know so many souls are currently in the dark. I added a sword to my “warrior” tattoo cause damn it, I FOUGHT for my life this year. I wish there was some magical way to help everyone that is currently stuck. I can’t do that, but I can continue to be open and honest and hopefully that helps even one person reading this.

For 2018, I will continue on this new path I have found. A completely new way of living. I will treat myself more kindly. I deserve joy and so do you. Value yourself, this new year needs you in it 💕

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Dark days won’t last forever.

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Sometimes I feel as though I am at a complete standstill. Things need to be done, but I find myself so emotionally exhausted day after day from chronic depression and anxiety. It’s a battle I fight every.single.day- every second I’m breathing. Battles will make you feel drained and exhausted. Imagine having to battle with your own mind on a daily basis. It’s not fun, to say the least. In fact, it’s debilitating. But I continue to fight.

The thing I’ve noticed about mental illness, is that people tend to “forget” really that the person suffering is going through anything. “Okay, so you had a bad week last week but you seem fine this week!” On the outside, I’ve been seeming pretty good. I get up everyday, shower, get dressed, put on makeup, walk my dog, read my bible and journal, take care of chores, ect. I’ve been making it to all of my appointments(on time imagine that lol) and eating right. These are HUGE accomplishments for me. On the inside, all I want to do is lay in bed and cry. But why? Things in my life are not all that bad, but I’m STRUGGLING.

I just want to hug anyone else who feels the same way. Say to them “you’re not alone, we are in this together.” And I want to say “things will get better,” which they will, but on my bad days I’d like to kick someone who says that to me. If things “get better” why am I still struggling day in and day out? Things do get better, however, that doesn’t mean the battle is over.

Keep fighting. Dark days do not last forever, the sun will shine again. It’s just that I can’t promise when. I wish I could.

Relapse.

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Is a part of recovery.

The biggest mistake I’ve made is letting myself think that one good day means all the days following will be good also. I set myself up for disaster and heartbreak every time I let myself believe this lie.

There will be hard days. There will be sad days. This doesn’t mean you’ll never have a good day again, it just means this is life. There are always ups and downs. You can’t have the sun and flowers without a little rain.

But I’m human and I’m scared of the dark days. I am straight terrified of feeling those emotions ever again. So I find myself running from those emotions instead of dealing with them in a healthy manner. My worst habit is running and hiding from all my problems. It’s time to face them. It’s time to practice what I preach, or at least try my best to. So, here I am, typing away, trying to face my demons rather than sit in the dark place.

Relapse is a harsh word. Relapse doesn’t take away all that progress you’ve made.  Relapse is a part of recovery and recovery is a life long thing. I will be in recovery for the rest of my life. And that’s okay with me. I’d rather be “recovering” then stuck in the dark. I didn’t come this far, to only come this far.

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