What do you do?
What do you do when you’re on the other side of things? What do you do when it all becomes too much to bear? What do you do, for when the first time, it’s not yourself that is the “problem” and there’s literally nothing you could possibly do to take back the control? I’m asking myself these questions this morning as I sip a cup of coffee. I’ve been on disability now for months. My life had become unmanageable, so I took some time for myself. But everything’s not that easy. It would be nice if that whole time was solely used to “focus on myself,” when in reality I’ve been focusing on a million and one other things. This morning’s focus was getting my fiancé to work after almost two weeks off. Fail. We are both now sitting in the living room of our one bedroom apartment and his work is probably wondering where he is now that it’s past 7am and he was supposed to be back to work today. Sometimes things are hard. I’ve see anxiety control most of my life and now I’m watching it control my fiancé’s life. I used to always say “I suffer from depression and anxiety,” the anxiety always seemed to be the lesser of the two. But now, I’m starting to realize depression is a result of anxiety taking control of someone’s life and their inability to grasp what is “normal” again. Then the depression really sets in. What do you do when you seem to be powerless to a faceless monster? A monster that tells you you’re not good enough and can’t “function” like a “normal” human being. What do you do when you’re life is no longer run how you think it should be run, but you’re so tired from battling in the first place, that now it really is hopeless. Most importantly, what do you do when it’s not even you anymore. But a friend or loved one is now facing the same monster. This morning I thought I knew how to battle it. Stay strong, stay focused, breathe, “YOU CAN DO IT.” But I watched the monster take down my fiancé this morning, making him unable to go to work. It hurts when you can relate to someone else’s hurt. It sucks. In the end, what good does relating with it do if I wasn’t able to help him fight back? Eventually I just had to take him in my arms and reassure him everything is going to be okay. But isn’t that all we can do? Once the anxiety has taken over, all we can really tell ourselves is “it will be okay….if not now, eventually.” And it will. I am a firm believer that everything is in God’s hands. Now that I have given my life fully to Christ, I have that reassurance. I’m not depending on anything anymore, no substance could be strong enough to mask the damage that depression and anxiety can have on someone’s life. In my short 14 day streak of true sobriety, I have come to learn this. It’s amazing how fast God can use you and your mind if you allow him to. What do I do now? Now I try to be the best version of myself. Not only for me, but for my fiancé. I know what it’s like. Now I try to use the tools and coping skills I have learned and continue to learn each day, to help those close to me that I love. What do you do? You keep FIGHTING. Life is can be an uphill battle sometimes and you don’t have the choice of giving up. So you fight. And you give it your all. If you suffer from a mental illness, and it all seems completely hopeless-If anything, know that one day what you have learned by battling your own monsters, you can use to help a loved one battle their monster. Everything happens for a reason. Keep fighting, be be warrior I know you can be 🖤